dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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