She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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