Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
