White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
