Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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