Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
