K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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