***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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