Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
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