I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
