She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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