Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
