I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
