If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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