New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
