You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
