What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
