Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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