Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
