so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
