No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
