bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
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