You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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