i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
