shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize