So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
