I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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