ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
should my penis look like a turkey
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
