I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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