my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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