Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
