I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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