I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We left the knife in your bed.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
there is puke in my bra ... again
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