I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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