i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
