Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
