You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
