alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
