I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
