Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
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