Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
