Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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