I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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