Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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