you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
