my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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