I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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