State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
