yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
