At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize