nut hugger
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Everything about him screamed your future.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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