I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
