I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
