I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
