is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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