I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize