Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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