Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
